the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
