I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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