Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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