You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
