Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
