Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
