So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
