What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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