the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
