so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
