I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
