She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
All the doctor said was why
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
