Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
