The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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