we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
