Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Come see our sink grown plant.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
