We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
