You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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