Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
