Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
