Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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