I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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