and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
