is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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