No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
