I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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