It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
