thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Dick very happy bro
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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