ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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