Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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