Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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