You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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