I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
