i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
