sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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