I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
