I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
