I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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