god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
