So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
