Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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