i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
