I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
