How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
