i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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