you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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