We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
