im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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