I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
