i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
