Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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