I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
