I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
