I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
