just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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