Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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