she smelled like a LAN party
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
