you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
