Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
